Sin not eraticated... just replaced.
So I have been dealing with a battle with lust for... oh... probably forever. It started back in 1998 or so when Chris Vroman and his brother John got me to transport some Playboys owned by a kid at our school Eric Paugh from where we found them at the bottom of Dead Man's Hill @ Spanish Lake Park to Chris' house down the street from me. I knew I shouldn't have, but Satan won that battle and I helped them carry 'em. I know I shouldn't have looked once we got them there... but I had the urge to anyway. Man is born evil... it wasn't culturally conditioned for me to sin... it was an inward desire I have due to my sinful nature. Jenny McCarthy was the first one I saw in a Santa layout with puppies. Thankfully, I do not recall many/any details of this. There is a saying that goes something like this: It takes a guy 20 seconds to look at a porn, and 20 years to forget what he saw... or something like that. But thankfully God has stripped me of any real memory of that first porno escapade.
After about 6 months of looking at it... he was forced to get rid of it. I seem to remember things going okay after that... maybe even for a year or so... until March or April of 1999... when I discovered a site I never knew existed: Sports Illustrated's Swim Suite Issues online.
I had not know there were so many mostly-naked bodies online to view. Curvy bodies on the ocean... always looking desirable, available and wanted. and wanting me. I found myself going back to that 1999 issue time and time again... and eventually that is how I would come to discover masturbation. And become addicted to it. While I had not really ever had much instruction with it before hand from anyone (say except for Ryan Miller in the bathroom of Northside Family Worship Center one time jokingly describing it... and he described it wrong!!) ... it was just natural feeling. And yeah... I liked it. Afterwards I always felled shame... this was without fail. I would get the urge to see the image... I would sign online to look at it... and I would masturbate... and hate how I feel afterwards. I felt so dirty... unclean. I felt as if I was a billion miles from God. I felt him role his eyes and become embarrassed with me every time I would allow my lust to take control of me. And I would use pathetic logic. For instance... I felt that if it was Tuesday or Wednesday... sometime in the middle of the week, I would be okay to masturbate and view my cyber g/fs on SI... because it wasn't the weekend. But if I did it on Friday, Saturday or a Sunday... I felt that the rest of my week was screwed... so might as well have fun being bad. I KNOW... the logic utterly sucks and makes ZERO sense. But I was using my own moral and ethical code... not the Word-- God's.
Then I would move onto more dangerous territory-- actual full nudity porn. Not wanting to use a search engine to search for these sites... I would type any lude and sexual title I could think of that could possibly be a porn site for me to gander at. Because of AOL's Parental Controls, many were blocked... so it became some kind of sick game for me to find a way around the Parental Controls and find a site that was not flagged by AOL as "inappropriate." Yeah these were dark days for me in my relationship with God. Time and time again I would ask forgiveness... promise change... God must have been so upset with me. Not only because of what I did... but because I was failing in my promises to him to stop. I never really repented-- I never did the 180. I was able to stop for a month or so in Spring of 2000... but that only lasted so long... and eventually I found myself back to where I was. While the frequency of porn viewings would vary, I don't think I ever went 2 weeks without masturbating AT LEAST ONCE between 2000 and 2006. I was a slave to lust. I would get caught by my parents... grounded... but I would return eventually.
The WWJD bracelet on my wrist seemed a joke. If i really cared what Jesus would do... I wouldn't be willingly enslaved to lust as my god that I would worship nearly daily. If not on the computer screen, then alone in my bed with my thoughts and "humping the bed" masturbation. I would also fantasize about various girls at school... Ashley Bonencamp and Caitlyn Oppland and Amanda Tringl seemed to be the frequent objects of my desire. I viewed them during these times of lust not as women... creations from God... as people to be loved and respected... but as idolized sexual play toys to enjoy and get gratification from. They were less than human to me...
Then came the "non nude" teen sites... that could feature lesbians kissing half naked but claimed to contain no "real hardcore" stuff... again I thought this was less bad than seeing actual sex. On other occasions while at my grandparent's house, I tried to make out really fuzzy images on the cable channel. It was so fuzzy... but it was sex and I was amazed at what I was seeing.
After a while I was able to cut porn out of my life... but not masturbation. However I then turned to using Xanga to look up erotic material... especially Erotic Stories. Xanga Blogrings would send me to Xanga sites that contained erotic fiction and I would read and masturbate to those stories. Again... somehow i had convinced myself that this was not as sinful... that because I wasn't looking at any girls' bodies that it wasn't really porn. However it still was lust... and I was still masturbating.
Then around August I stopped it all... masturbating and porn viewing. I don't remember the date but I just kept myself busy and it was not an issue anymore for me. I thought I had overcome lust. So I thought anyway. Kacey and I had just broken up for about 2 or 3 weeks... but we started making out at least once or twice a week all this past semester. The dry humping had been there for a while... and I came a lot when that would happen, forcing us to stop. The first time I ever dry-humped was with Kim... when I cheated on Lisa... but I didn't do it a lot until the summer Beka taught me how to kiss. Even prior to that though there were other girls I went after only in lust. Amanda Avants and Michelle Freeman... both I tried to make out with and dry hump... only because I thought it was something to do and I was basically horny. Both times I was out of my mind... Anyway... back to Beka...We would grind and make out all the time during June of that year and I became addicted to it. I would again use moral codes other than God's. I reasoned that if Nik and Nolan (my 2 best friends) did it and still were Christians, then why couldn't I? I felt like I deserved the sin or something... like I was owed this worldly pleasure. I was so wrong... but it's what I thought and felt.
First Kacey and I would make out... actually when we first hung out in November of '05, we made out a bit the first night. Yeah... wow. Fast forward about 9 months... we would make out... but also grind. I had seen her butt on accident before... and while I visited her during the St Louis Power Outage in '06's summer, I got a brief accidental view of her breast through a bathrobe of hers. Anyway... grind and grind we would go... until eventually my shirt and pants would come off... and sometimes her shirt too. She'd learned about giving hand jobs from her best friend and she asked if she could give me one... eventually I said yes and OMGOSH I thought it felt SO good. Not even just how it felt when she did that to me... but knowing her hand was touching my erect penis... drove me insane. I had always prided myself previously on never having touched a butt or boob... neither are true now. I would grab her butt as she would mine... and it felt good to both of us. I also touched her boobs before... It still felt good, but I wish I had not done it. They aren't my boobs to touch. I really wish I had not done that. But also... after mentioning it and even virtually pressuring her to do it... my hands eventually went down her pants. Not inside her underwear... but on top. The first time it was when she was on her period... so she had a tampon in. The second time though she was off her period and so I went partially in. We had to stop because eventually she started hurting A LOT down there... but prior to her hurting... she would moan in pleasure in ways that I had never heard her do. Beka would yes... but Kacey never got that turned on around me. It hasn't happened since that 2nd time... but the danger of being caught in the dormroom... the knowledge that it was bad to do it... but still doing it anyway... the utter passion and sexual desire we felt and feel for each other... still drives me crazy if I think about it too long. Numerous times we've talked about how if we weren't Christians how we would have slept with each other A LONG time ago... about how even then she wanted to have sex with me, though she knows we can't. The feeling was mutual... believe me.
These past 4 months I thought I had eradicated lust out of my life simply because there was no masturbation or porn. However lust was just channeled through Kacey. She is the first woman I have ever loved. Yes I love her but my lust was able to use her to gratify myself. When we separated for Christmas break... I started to stumble and masturbated and even would go through little porn fits. Nothing like the old days... but it is still sin none the less.
Jesus... I want this out of my life. I don't want to channel it... I want the lust OUT. I want it out now. I want to always be mindful of my thoughts and to have my mind and life focused on you... not on the female anatomy. I want you to be the center of my life. I want less of me and more of you. To live my life for you. I want to be a godly man that a parent would hang his daughter to date. I want to be a model for Christians in speech, life, love, faith, and purity (1 Tim 4:12). I need to be a man of God... not a man for myself. The scripture says to resist the devil and he will flee (James 4:7). Well... I'm all about that now. As I move into 2007... I want to take My Last Stand against this and stand for truth. God use me in how I am to be used. Use me to be a model young man. Lead me to the woman I am to marry... lead me to the kinds of girls I should be dating and not have me step into relationships that are bad for me and won't lead to marriage. Lead me to a woman of God. Help me to not stray back into any form of lust... but to live fully for you.
This is my story. I pray it has come to a conclusion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
**January 21, 2007.**
It has been a week of Hell. I get back to Springfield for school a week ago... and the very night I get in town, not only do Kacey and I sleep in the same bed together ... we go REALLY far.
Friday night before we were allowed to move into the dorms, I stayed the night with Kacey's aunt and uncle. Yes... KC and I did kiss... but it wasn't lustful. It was really loving. I loved it... I loved how we didn't grind... or french... or her trying to give me a hand job. I liked how it was pure. But that Saturday night... the next night... was not so great. We went far... Far as in ... we started making out during the night. For an hour or more. We actually were both asleep and dreaming... so it was kinda weird. But we made out ... she gave me a hand job. And... I fingered her.
My hands went down her pants and I saw her vagina naked. Then her shirt came off after her panties went back on and I saw, felt and even kissed her breasts. 
A few nights later.. the same thing happened... yeah.
I feel aweful. While it hasn't happened since... we have grinded a bit... and lustful thoughts galore. I've been surfing Xanga for smut lately and masturbating quite a bit. It's bad. I've not been reading my Bible... not praying... it is bad.
God... save me. I hate this and I love you... help me even if it kills me...
After about 6 months of looking at it... he was forced to get rid of it. I seem to remember things going okay after that... maybe even for a year or so... until March or April of 1999... when I discovered a site I never knew existed: Sports Illustrated's Swim Suite Issues online.
I had not know there were so many mostly-naked bodies online to view. Curvy bodies on the ocean... always looking desirable, available and wanted. and wanting me. I found myself going back to that 1999 issue time and time again... and eventually that is how I would come to discover masturbation. And become addicted to it. While I had not really ever had much instruction with it before hand from anyone (say except for Ryan Miller in the bathroom of Northside Family Worship Center one time jokingly describing it... and he described it wrong!!) ... it was just natural feeling. And yeah... I liked it. Afterwards I always felled shame... this was without fail. I would get the urge to see the image... I would sign online to look at it... and I would masturbate... and hate how I feel afterwards. I felt so dirty... unclean. I felt as if I was a billion miles from God. I felt him role his eyes and become embarrassed with me every time I would allow my lust to take control of me. And I would use pathetic logic. For instance... I felt that if it was Tuesday or Wednesday... sometime in the middle of the week, I would be okay to masturbate and view my cyber g/fs on SI... because it wasn't the weekend. But if I did it on Friday, Saturday or a Sunday... I felt that the rest of my week was screwed... so might as well have fun being bad. I KNOW... the logic utterly sucks and makes ZERO sense. But I was using my own moral and ethical code... not the Word-- God's.Then I would move onto more dangerous territory-- actual full nudity porn. Not wanting to use a search engine to search for these sites... I would type any lude and sexual title I could think of that could possibly be a porn site for me to gander at. Because of AOL's Parental Controls, many were blocked... so it became some kind of sick game for me to find a way around the Parental Controls and find a site that was not flagged by AOL as "inappropriate." Yeah these were dark days for me in my relationship with God. Time and time again I would ask forgiveness... promise change... God must have been so upset with me. Not only because of what I did... but because I was failing in my promises to him to stop. I never really repented-- I never did the 180. I was able to stop for a month or so in Spring of 2000... but that only lasted so long... and eventually I found myself back to where I was. While the frequency of porn viewings would vary, I don't think I ever went 2 weeks without masturbating AT LEAST ONCE between 2000 and 2006. I was a slave to lust. I would get caught by my parents... grounded... but I would return eventually.
The WWJD bracelet on my wrist seemed a joke. If i really cared what Jesus would do... I wouldn't be willingly enslaved to lust as my god that I would worship nearly daily. If not on the computer screen, then alone in my bed with my thoughts and "humping the bed" masturbation. I would also fantasize about various girls at school... Ashley Bonencamp and Caitlyn Oppland and Amanda Tringl seemed to be the frequent objects of my desire. I viewed them during these times of lust not as women... creations from God... as people to be loved and respected... but as idolized sexual play toys to enjoy and get gratification from. They were less than human to me...
Then came the "non nude" teen sites... that could feature lesbians kissing half naked but claimed to contain no "real hardcore" stuff... again I thought this was less bad than seeing actual sex. On other occasions while at my grandparent's house, I tried to make out really fuzzy images on the cable channel. It was so fuzzy... but it was sex and I was amazed at what I was seeing.After a while I was able to cut porn out of my life... but not masturbation. However I then turned to using Xanga to look up erotic material... especially Erotic Stories. Xanga Blogrings would send me to Xanga sites that contained erotic fiction and I would read and masturbate to those stories. Again... somehow i had convinced myself that this was not as sinful... that because I wasn't looking at any girls' bodies that it wasn't really porn. However it still was lust... and I was still masturbating.
Then around August I stopped it all... masturbating and porn viewing. I don't remember the date but I just kept myself busy and it was not an issue anymore for me. I thought I had overcome lust. So I thought anyway. Kacey and I had just broken up for about 2 or 3 weeks... but we started making out at least once or twice a week all this past semester. The dry humping had been there for a while... and I came a lot when that would happen, forcing us to stop. The first time I ever dry-humped was with Kim... when I cheated on Lisa... but I didn't do it a lot until the summer Beka taught me how to kiss. Even prior to that though there were other girls I went after only in lust. Amanda Avants and Michelle Freeman... both I tried to make out with and dry hump... only because I thought it was something to do and I was basically horny. Both times I was out of my mind... Anyway... back to Beka...We would grind and make out all the time during June of that year and I became addicted to it. I would again use moral codes other than God's. I reasoned that if Nik and Nolan (my 2 best friends) did it and still were Christians, then why couldn't I? I felt like I deserved the sin or something... like I was owed this worldly pleasure. I was so wrong... but it's what I thought and felt.
First Kacey and I would make out... actually when we first hung out in November of '05, we made out a bit the first night. Yeah... wow. Fast forward about 9 months... we would make out... but also grind. I had seen her butt on accident before... and while I visited her during the St Louis Power Outage in '06's summer, I got a brief accidental view of her breast through a bathrobe of hers. Anyway... grind and grind we would go... until eventually my shirt and pants would come off... and sometimes her shirt too. She'd learned about giving hand jobs from her best friend and she asked if she could give me one... eventually I said yes and OMGOSH I thought it felt SO good. Not even just how it felt when she did that to me... but knowing her hand was touching my erect penis... drove me insane. I had always prided myself previously on never having touched a butt or boob... neither are true now. I would grab her butt as she would mine... and it felt good to both of us. I also touched her boobs before...
It still felt good, but I wish I had not done it. They aren't my boobs to touch. I really wish I had not done that. But also... after mentioning it and even virtually pressuring her to do it... my hands eventually went down her pants. Not inside her underwear... but on top. The first time it was when she was on her period... so she had a tampon in. The second time though she was off her period and so I went partially in. We had to stop because eventually she started hurting A LOT down there... but prior to her hurting... she would moan in pleasure in ways that I had never heard her do. Beka would yes... but Kacey never got that turned on around me. It hasn't happened since that 2nd time... but the danger of being caught in the dormroom... the knowledge that it was bad to do it... but still doing it anyway... the utter passion and sexual desire we felt and feel for each other... still drives me crazy if I think about it too long. Numerous times we've talked about how if we weren't Christians how we would have slept with each other A LONG time ago... about how even then she wanted to have sex with me, though she knows we can't. The feeling was mutual... believe me.These past 4 months I thought I had eradicated lust out of my life simply because there was no masturbation or porn. However lust was just channeled through Kacey. She is the first woman I have ever loved. Yes I love her but my lust was able to use her to gratify myself. When we separated for Christmas break... I started to stumble and masturbated and even would go through little porn fits. Nothing like the old days... but it is still sin none the less.
Jesus... I want this out of my life. I don't want to channel it... I want the lust OUT. I want it out now. I want to always be mindful of my thoughts and to have my mind and life focused on you... not on the female anatomy. I want you to be the center of my life. I want less of me and more of you. To live my life for you. I want to be a godly man that a parent would hang his daughter to date. I want to be a model for Christians in speech, life, love, faith, and purity (1 Tim 4:12). I need to be a man of God... not a man for myself. The scripture says to resist the devil and he will flee (James 4:7). Well... I'm all about that now. As I move into 2007... I want to take My Last Stand against this and stand for truth. God use me in how I am to be used. Use me to be a model young man. Lead me to the woman I am to marry... lead me to the kinds of girls I should be dating and not have me step into relationships that are bad for me and won't lead to marriage. Lead me to a woman of God. Help me to not stray back into any form of lust... but to live fully for you.
This is my story. I pray it has come to a conclusion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
**January 21, 2007.**
It has been a week of Hell. I get back to Springfield for school a week ago... and the very night I get in town, not only do Kacey and I sleep in the same bed together ... we go REALLY far.
Friday night before we were allowed to move into the dorms, I stayed the night with Kacey's aunt and uncle. Yes... KC and I did kiss... but it wasn't lustful. It was really loving. I loved it... I loved how we didn't grind... or french... or her trying to give me a hand job. I liked how it was pure. But that Saturday night... the next night... was not so great. We went far... Far as in ... we started making out during the night. For an hour or more. We actually were both asleep and dreaming... so it was kinda weird. But we made out ... she gave me a hand job. And... I fingered her.
My hands went down her pants and I saw her vagina naked. Then her shirt came off after her panties went back on and I saw, felt and even kissed her breasts. A few nights later.. the same thing happened... yeah. I feel aweful. While it hasn't happened since... we have grinded a bit... and lustful thoughts galore. I've been surfing Xanga for smut lately and masturbating quite a bit. It's bad. I've not been reading my Bible... not praying... it is bad.
God... save me. I hate this and I love you... help me even if it kills me...
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